Mark's Guide to Super Bowl Sunday

So, apparently, it's Super Bowl Sunday. I found out literally this morning, forgot, and was reminded when dinner was served in a totally new way. That's what happens when you're too obsessed with books to pay attention to sports, apparently.

Anyways, that's just a heads up for all of you, whether you already know or not, that you should at least look up the score tomorrow morning so you don't look like a total idiot.

Wondering how to actually approach Super Bowl Sunday? Allow my wonderful guide to demonstrate! (Be warned: this is my most serious guide to date. It's serious, practical advice for people like me. It's just also comical because of people like me.)

1. When you forget about Super Bowl Sunday (inevitably), and someone asks you about which team you're rooting for, you're going to need to get info, and ASAP! Fear not, this first step will show you how to do that:
1. Casually imply you're undecided, then ask this friend/sibling/parent/stranger their opinion, and why they have that opinion
2. If your adversary mentions both teams, DO NOT AGREE WITH THEM! That's a trap! Just say you see their point of view, but you're rooting for the other team.
3. If your adversary only mentions one team, AGREE. You do NOT have any other option, at least no options that allow you to escape unscathed. 
4. If your adversary mentions the team they don't like, for instance: "Well, not the Cowboys; ugh, who can believe them, am I right?" AGREE! These kinds of people would rather you be ignorant than you disagreeing with them, and neither option is desirable. 
5. If your adversary sees your manipulative trick and mentions neither team, you're doomed. Maybe if you adapt, you can survive, but your best bet is to attack your opponent and interrogate them as to why they avoided the question, and hope they don't turn the interrogation back on you. (Note: This will damage your friendship. But, you have to choose, friendships or your reputation. If you're like me, your reputation suffers, regardless, so choose friendship.)
2. Oh no! The Super Bowl preshow is on, and you aren't wearing any Super Bowl merchandise!
1. That's because you don't have any merchandise.
2. The store's a 5-10 minute walk away, if not more, so it'll be hard to casually get some without attracting attention.
3. Even if you can manage that, you don't have enough money to buy anything.
4. Just admit you're lazy. Admitting to laziness is less of a death sentence than admitting to ignorance. 
3. The Super Bowl has STARTED!
1. YEAH! Now, the trick is, act like a normal fan.
1. What I think normal fans do is watch the game and ignore the commercials. The problem is, the commercials are the best part, so you want to pretend to ignore the commercials, but actually watch them. You also need to pretend to watch the game, but if you can manage, feel free to do other stuff in the background.
2. FEAST!
1. If people don't have a feast for Super Bowl Sunday, then you can quit your whole, "Oh yeah, I totally know what's going on!" facade. If they don't have a feast, they're not crazies, and you can feel safe knowing your ignorance will (most likely) not be punished.
4. Wait, someone asked you a question! What do you say?!
1. If it's a question about a play or the score, just shrug and casually say, "The game's not over, yet."
2. If you have no idea what they asked, just shrug and smirk. That should do the trick.
3. If it's a question unrelated to football, act vaguely interested, but keep glancing at the game, even if the conversation is a million times better. After all, they may be baiting you into admitting ignorance.
5. The game is over!
1. Celebrate!
1. Just make sure everything thinks you're celebrating your team's win. You're not. You're glad this ordeal is almost over.
2. Memorize the score.
3. Watch a recap of the biggest plays in the game, so you can discuss them with your friends when you're inevitably questioned.
2. Prepare for anything
3. Some people are nuts and will act bonkers about the Super Bowl days, weeks, or even months after it happens. Keep a careful eye on these people.

There you go! The (im)perfect guide to surviving the Super Bowl! (This has a 32% success rate, and a 51% fail rate. The missing 17% represents people who didn't get back to me for some reason. I hope they're okay.)