Mark's Guide to Overcoming Fears

Forenote: The idea for this post came from my Psychology class. I learned about classical conditioning recently, which is when your brain learns to associate two things together even if they're unrelated. For instance, if you're used to bad things happening to you in the evenings, you might learn to be fearful of the evening since you expect something bad to happen. Classical conditioning isn't only negative, however; it can be used to train animals, overcome fears, teach children, and so much more. 

Hello! If you're reading this and you have a fear of technology, raise your hands! Hmm...there doesn't appear to be many of you fearful of technology...well, we're all scared of something! Whether you've got acrophobia, hydrophobia, pyrophobia, hemophobia, clausterphobia, myrmecophobia, or something else, this guide will help you conquer that fear!

The first stage is to go to a pet store. You're going to want to buy plenty of doggie treats. Like, go ahead and spend $300 on them. If you think that's a bad idea, reward yourself with an extra $200 worth of doggie treats! (See, you're already overcoming your fear of letting go of money! Material possessions are totally not necessary to survival, after all.) 

Now, approach your fear. You'll inevitably fail, and that's okay. But don't tell yourself that. Make yourself scream in rage and sorrow, and let the hatred swarm through you. Then approach it again. If you beat your record, reward yourself to a doggie treat. Then try again. If you break your record, reward yourself to more doggie treats.

Keep doing this until you're out of doggie treats or have overcome your fear. If you run out of doggie treats, start over from stage one. The most important stage is to yell at anyone who interacts with you while you're conquering this fear. Letting out all that unnecessary rage and aggression helps you develop enemies which then taunt you, and thus unknowingly give you the energy and drive needed to achieve your goals.

Now, you may be asking, how do you turn all of your newly formed enemies back into friends? I'm asking that very question, too! Let me know if you figure that one out!