Mark's Guide to Getting Up in the Morning

Disclaimer: As usual, this guide is not meant to be insulting to anyone or anything. Even if it was, I can assure you, this would first and foremost be insulting to me.

It has come to my attention that a lot of people have problems getting up in the morning, so I have composed this guide to assist those of you who have those problems. Don't worry, I'm totally a certified expert. I did it once a couple years ago, I think. (Or was it a decade ago...? Hard to tell.)

The first step is waking up. There's a number of ways to do this. In your dream, you could either punch yourself in the face, jump off a cliff, let a monster eat you, or scream, "JELLY BEANS!" at the top of your lungs. They all work equally efficiently, although I'd recommend not giving the fictional people in your dream the false hope of candy, and choosing one of the other options.

Now you're awake, and you're glued to your bed, and you have no way of moving. You're immobilized, and you're brain-dead. Since you're brain-dead, you can't craft a creative solution, which is why this guide is of the utmost importance. My solution, scream. One of two things'll happen:

A) Your family runs in worried sick, and after realizing it's a false alarm, force you out of your bed and forces you to get on with the day. If this is the case, congratulations, you're finished! No need to finish the rest of the article!

B) Nothing happens, no one enters your room, and no one shoves you off your bed and onto the cold, hard floor. If this is the case, mentally smile at the fact that you're not being treated like a lazy idiot who can't get out of bed. Now would be a good time to realize you should have finished the article before going to bed so you'd be armed with the following knowledge.

Since no one's coming to help you, you need a new strategy. Usually, you can still move your head to varying degrees. If you can't, you're doomed. I can't help you.

If you can, great! You're still doomed. Just keep screaming until someone comes and forces you out of your bed.